CAUTION: For those of you weak of stomach, die hard Twilight fans, I advise you to click on any other possible link and never come back to this page again. Reading

 any further may cause you to act recklessly, such as murder me in my sleep, so, if only for my own life’s sake, stop while you can.

And for those of you who live under a rock, Stephanie Meyers’s Twilight, Eclipse, New Moon, and Breaking Dawn are a romantic fantasy series that have somehow managed to become worldwide bestsellers. The saga follows the story of a human girl and her dreamy vampire boyfriend and their quest to unite in love despite the fact that they come from different species. Apart from the supernatural creatures, mainly vampires and werewolves, it could definitely be a Bollywood hit (which is renowned for producing nothing but chick flicks), featuring

the dark, handsome Edward Cullen as the hero, and the girl-next-door Isabella Swan as the heroine.

It was virtually impossible for Meyer to go wrong. The idea of an age old feud between vampires and werewolves was brilliant; the thought of having intrusive vampire dictators was classic; the proposal of having mutant crossbreeds was radical. She had all the necessary fantasy elements to produce a classic that could have been revered as fondly as Lord of the Rings. Plus, her titles were appealing and her covers were pretty.

So what did go wrong? It was the combination of a promising love tale, entrenched in an intricate fantasy plot, with sprinkles of trashy teenage drama that, pardon my French, screwed everything over. The love story entailed a sickeningly sweet happy ending; the fantasy plot required an impressionable legacy; and the drama just needed the series to have never ending accusations of who likes who. Blending the three and serving it fresh out of the oven was like tasting a serving of melting dark chocolate, exotic pomegranates, and spicy biryani- delicious when eaten separately, but downright dangerous when mixed up together.

Apart from having too much on her plate, Meyer dished out her novels within a period of four years, barely enough time to organize the ideas of her obviously runaway muse. There was minimal progress in her writing style, which even a fifth grader could comprehend- a horrifying thought when considering the at times mature content.

Moreover, completing the series gave you no fuzzy feeling of enlightenment, or jubilance, or just plain relief. Meyer left many incidents unresolved. She left much room for a comeback, perhaps in case she ever ran short of money. In essence, Meyer was a sell out, and successful on top of it. But for the brilliancy of swaying the world into such a craze, over a mindless tale of what is just a step above high school drama, has to be applauded if nothing else.

So how exactly did she brainwash the global population into succumbing for a cheesy soap opera novella with no plot resolution? The answer is men. Yes, historically they have been the problem but in this case they were used as the solution. With the multitude of callous guys swarming in, who fail to fulfill the emotional needs of their women, a fictional hero was bound to save the day. Move over Batman, and come in Edward Cullen. So guys, get a heart if you don’t want your girlfriend to create a shrine of Edward Cullen in her closet. And girls, get real; boys will be boys, as unfortunate as that may be, and the rare Edward will be taken (though I doubt that would stop many fans).

Readers, be strong. Instead of jumping on the bandwagon consider the elements that make up a good story. These do not revolve around Edward and Bella ending up together, but rather consist of diction, subtlety, and all that other junk your English teacher taught you on the days you skipped class. Be strong; say no to bullies, say no to drugs; say no to Twilight.

Note: For the aforementioned Twilight fans, if you are sending hitmen after me, my current address is in Alaska. Ignore any other misleading informants that tell you otherwise.